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Gordon Robinson | Haemorrhoid on asses


Gene Autry, The Beast, and I were sitting around idly needing a fourth for dominoes when we heard, in the distance, “If a macca, mek it jook yu!”

The Dunce! Autry guided him to the table while the Beast shuffled. First up, I drew double-six, double-five, five-trey, five-deuce, five-ace, five-blank, trey-deuce. I tried to look disappointed and ponied up double-six. The Beast contributed six-five (I could hardly breathe), and Autry played six-four. Yelling excitedly, “Gwaan an’ win, pardy,” the Dunce used four-five to go fives.

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They nearly came to blows. The Beast asked why. The Dunce replied, “You introduce five!”

“So?” said the Beast. “The Hog pose double-six. I must play six. Yu always assuming too early in di game. Yu know when yu ‘assume’ yu mek an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’?”

Fortunately, Haemorrhoid was observing (dominoes wasn’t his forte) and immediately began one of his famous shaggy-dog tales to cool tempers. Meanwhile, quick, what should I play? Answer at the end. No peeking!

Haemorrhoid (Ernest H. Flower, whose nickname was a combo of his middle initial and his perennial whine about “piles and piles of files” on his desk) told a wedding story.

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“Nobody has met more asses than I. Take, for example, my friend Smitty. Smitty was a committed playboy, but, eventually, he met Bev. They fell in love and decided to marry. Family and friends filled the church for the wedding. When Pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of bride and groom, a beautiful young woman carrying a baby stood up.

“She started to walk slowly towards Pastor. The congregation was aghast. You could hear a pin drop. Smitty’s jaw fell as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and baby.

“Pandemonium broke out in the church! Bev threw her bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Smitty’s mother fainted. The best men looked furtively at each other wondering how to save the day.

“Finally, Pastor asked the woman, ‘Can you tell us why you came forward?

‘What do you have to say?’

“Deathly silence overtook the church. Necks craned. Cameras flashed. Bev‘s mother gave the young woman a look that should’ve instantly killed her.

The woman replied, ‘We can’t hear you in the back’.

“And that,” concluded Haemorrhoid, “is what happens when people assume.”



I remembered Haemorrhoid‘s tale while reading the PNP’s statement on the acting appointment of the Integrity Commission‘s executive director. The opposition leader, seemingly intent on making asses of everyone, bemoaned the ‘acting’ appointment; likened it to Government‘s earlier ‘acting chief justice’ gaffe, and demanded Government “immediately appoint Colonel Pryce and allow the commission to do its work independently … “.

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But Government didn’t make and can’t make the appointment. It’s written in the act (“Executive director … shall be appointed by the governor-general, acting on the recommendation of the commission …”) for anyone who can and wants to read. As PM explained: “The Integrity Commission is an independent commission of Parliament. I, therefore, would have played no part in the recent appointment of the executive director … .”

Sigh. Jumping to conclusions is bad enough, but leaping over clear provisions of law (passed by MPs) endangers the Olympic long jump record AND exposes an embarrassing ignorance of, or, worse, indifference to, an MP’s true purpose. Crude politicking pretending to be constituency godparents who can provide water, roads and light at whim, including by Budget plundering using suspect means, is one thing. Ignoring your own laws to politicise Parliament’s anti-corruption efforts with baseless barbs is unforgivable. Don’t try to spin this. Nothing short of admitting you’ve made an ass of yourself followed by abject apology can suffice.

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Peace and love

PS: The only wrong play is double-five. Save that for later when you can’t play at the other end. Play five-ace (or five-blank). Force the Beast to cut a card you don’t have while duping the eminently dupeable Dunce.

Trevino Cezar Juan

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to [email protected]